Pride Month with Negin and Melissa
In honor of Pride Month, we invited Negin and Melissa, proud advocates of LGBTQ+ rights and parents of two little ones to join us on an Instagram Live! For those who missed it, Negin and Melissa share what Pride Month means to their family, and how they’re raising their kids with love, acceptance, and courage. Whether you’re an LGBTQ+ parent or curious to learn more about the community, you won’t want to miss this honest and heartfelt conversation.
Congratulations on welcoming your youngest this past January! How has the transition from one to two kids been for you?
Negin: Chaotic. Very emotional. The reason being is because getting to having two kids, we went through quite a bit of struggles. My wife carried for me, which I'm super grateful for, but at the same time, I look back and even though it took about three and a half years for us to have a second child, the age gap has been helpful for us.
Melissa: I think we have transformed as a couple. We've become a team more than in the past. The first child, we didn't really know what we were doing. We had a COVID baby, so along came a lot of concern and worry of just living, and we didn't get to go anywhere with the baby. And then this time around was a different experience. We're learning flexibility. We're learning a lot about how to just roll with the punches.
And our little one has been a blessing. She is such a good role model. Beautiful energy. So it's been a lot better than I probably anticipated. I prepared myself for the worst and it's actually been pretty amazing.
What has surprised you most about becoming parents, both as individuals and as a couple?
Melissa: So many things. I think the biggest thing for me is learning that two very vastly different things can live in the same space. And I always call it the dichotomy of motherhood. I always feel like you kind of mourn your previous life and the ability to get up and go, but then you also just absolutely cherish and have such gratitude for the family that you're creating and the kids that you're raising.
And the family unity that we are creating and building upon every year. And then learning about the levels of patience that you have to find. Oh my God, the patience. It's like new levels unlock constantly. It's a beautiful chaos for me, but I love it.
Negin: I would say also as a couple, I'm finding that we actually have to really make time for each other because it's nonstop. You just can't stop momming no matter what.
"If you are in a same sex relationship, whether you're two men, two women, or non-binary, research the different ways. Yes, you can become a family. It's not just one way fits all, or one way fits your type of couple."
What advice would you give to other same-sex couples just starting their parenting journey?
Negin: Definitely do your research and communicate. I think communication is really, really important. Having those conversations about parenting styles.
Melissa and I, surprisingly, we are actually on the same page for the most part. Because we're also very different, but our values are the same. We don't believe in spanking, we don't believe in timeout.
Melissa: Be proactive about the discussions. I feel like a lot of people do get into parenthood and then they're learning their values and their morals and how they were raised bringing two different family units together. You only know what you know. You don't know what you don't know, right? Educate yourself. I would say there are so many different layers. If you are in a same sex relationship, whether you're two men, two women, or non-binary, research the different ways. Yes, you can become a family. It's not just one way fits all, or one way fits your type of couple.
We didn't expect to do IVF, and we didn't expect to do reciprocal IVF. Our first child was conceived at home IUI. We did it the second time, and we were very fortunate. Three and a half years, almost 11 tries with this one. We tried three or four different methods and then landed on our very last embryo to do reciprocal IVF. In hindsight, maybe we should have planned for it. So we would recommend couples talking about options. Don't leave anything off the table. That was a big thing that we had to work through.
Negin: I was very adamant about not doing IVF. I was like, my body can do it. She wanted to have those conversations, but I kept putting up a wall and next thing you know, the very last resort we had was IVF. I’m super grateful, but I didn't know how that would look (not being able to carry), but I'm also very fortunate, especially being in a same sex relationship where my wife could carry for me.
The other thing a lot of people don't know is second parent adoption. That is something that I learned, too. Just being on the birth certificate is not enough. So that's something that you definitely wanna look into as well. We didn't know with reciprocal IVF even if she's the genetic mother. She still has to adopt. We had to adopt. So there's a lot of things that we're educating ourselves on.
"I think pride is about visibility, acceptance, and knowing that we have come a long way. It's not about just showing rainbows and showing families, it's knowing that we're continually fighting."
What does Pride and Pride month mean to you?
Negin: One word that comes to me is love. As a community uniting, sharing our story and being seen, all of that during pride month is something we get to celebrate, and being proud of who we are, and everything that we went through.
Melissa: I think pride is about visibility, acceptance, and knowing that we have come a long way. It's not about just showing rainbows and showing families, it's knowing that we're continually fighting. It’s instantiated in the years and generations prior that fought for us to be living the lives that we have today.
It wasn't too long ago (10 years ago) that we could legally get married. It's insane to think about, and there's still a lot of fighting left to do. We really have to sit there and show and create normality, familiarity, and acceptance around families like ours. And to know that each year, we stand a little taller and feel a little bit more confident and courageous teaching our kids about it. And just to know to keep fighting and to keep leading with love, honestly. And sit in your power and own that power. And it's not just June, it's always. June just highlights the things that we need to do and fight for. But it's every day, every month for us.
Are there any favorite traditions, activities, or ways you celebrate Pride together with your kids?
We have a five month old and then a 5-year-old. But in COVID times it's been so hard to get out there for the first few years. Ways that we really try to teach our first daughter is getting books about the LGBTQ+ community. Not only that, but also learning about ethnicities and cultures and differences between people and the understanding that we're all different, and teaching them gratitude and compassion. Providing that visibility and having constant conversations about it is so important.
So leveraging what stuff is out there, normalizing it for her and have it be part of her. She's going to grow up in a world where people are just not going to understand it. And that's just the reality of it all, but we’re teaching her how to face it. We recommend the book "All is Welcome Here", we love that book.
Are there any resources or communities you found especially helpful as LGBTQ+ parents?
Melissa: Our social media community and the resources that come through there have been tremendously helpful. We just came across a church, we've been looking for a spiritual community and wanting to join one for our kids. This church is actually amazing, we’ve been looking for an LGBTQ+ accepting one, and their tagline is Love. Period. So they provide a lot of resources, too. But right now we're leveraging a lot of online resources and online communities.
What values or lessons do you hope to instill in your children as they grow up in a world still learning to embrace all types of families?
Negin: I would say kindness, practicing kindness, having an open mind.
One of the things that we recently came across was from Mel Robbins. The ‘Let Them Theory’, which is that you can't control people. There are mean people out there, and we just have to continue to teach our kids that no matter what, just be proud of who you are and where you come from. And that will come to you as long as you practice kindness.
Melissa: I think leading with curiosity, asking questions, learning, always growing and learning, being honest, being confident, confidence in this world is so important.
If you’re looking for more ways to educate your little ones about Pride, check out the blog, Pride Month for kids: 4 ideas for engaging activities with your little ones.
At Doona, we’re committed to making parenting simple for every family. That's why we’ve created our innovative and revolutionary Doona Car Seat and Stroller, transforming from car seat to a stroller in seconds; and Liki Trike — the most compact folding toddler trike on the market that grows alongside your toddler from 10-36 months.
